Relationships Sundays

“Over time, any deception destroys intimacy, and without intimacy couples cannot have true and lasting love.” ― Bonnie Eaker Weil

What Is Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity occurs when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money. For example, one partner may hide significant debts in a separate account while the other partner is unaware. Another common example is when one partner makes large discretionary expenditures without discussing the matter with their partner.

Key Takeaways

• Financial infidelity is when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money.
• Common examples include hiding debts, making large purchases without telling the other partner, and not being truthful about spending.
• Financial infidelity can damage trust and relationships and may lead to separation if not addressed.
• To fix financial infidelity, couples should come clean, create a budget, and possibly seek counseling.
• Unexplained spending may indicate deeper financial or personal issues that could benefit from professional help.

Understanding Financial Infidelity

Money can be a big point of contention among couples, so it is important for each partner to be open about their financial situation, expenditures, and attitudes toward money. A great starting point is reviewing each other's financial pictures before merging finances.

Also, setting up a mutually agreeable system for handling expenditures can help avoid many fights down the line. For instance, many couples set up an allowance system, which allows each partner to spend a set amount each month without having to consult the other. This allows for partners to maintain part of their financial independence while still working toward mutual financial goals.

Signs of Financial Infidelity

It's pretty easy in this age of online bill pay and free-flowing credit card offers to hide mounting debt. Every card issuer offers the option to have bills sent over email rather than the postal service, so spouses won't see the monthly statements. From there, people who have trouble managing money can amass tens of thousands of dollars of debt without their partner ever knowing, at least for a time.

Excessive spending on gifts, trips, or gambling with unexplained withdrawals from joint accounts is a classic sign of financial infidelity. Larger than normal cash withdrawals or checks made out to cash may be another sign. 

Defensiveness or stonewalling when one partner raises the subject of money is common among couples struggling with financial infidelity. The list goes on, from hidden income to secret shopping and trips to casinos, to hiding bank statements and cutting a partner from joint accounts.

Money is a sensitive topic and can even be so amongst two individuals that are close. If both partners are not on the same page about money, financial issues can often lead to the couple splitting up or being extremely unhappy in the relationship.

For example, if one partner works hard to save money to buy a house while the other partner is spending hundreds of dollars a week on clothes, this can lead to significant tension. It's important to always be on the same page about your financial situation, especially when working toward a shared goal.

What Can Be Done

If financial infidelity is suspected or discovered, the best course of action is to address it openly and honestly. Here are steps couples can take:

1. Come clean: Transparency is essential. Both partners should share full details about their finances.
2. Seek help: A counselor can help facilitate the conversation if the situation is difficult to address.
3. Create shared financial goals: Work together on a budget that reflects mutual priorities.
4. Manage debt: If there’s significant debt, create a plan to pay it off and make a plan to stop new debts from popping up.
5. Address underlying issues: Excessive spending could be linked to deeper personal issues, which may require therapy or professional intervention.

What Is the Difference Between Financial Infidelity and Financial Disagreement?

Financial infidelity involves intentionally hiding money or accumulated debts from a partner. A financial disagreement, on the other hand, happens when partners disagree on how money should be spent or saved, but are still open and honest with each other.

How Can I Prevent Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity can be avoided by alway having open communication. Set clear financial goals, share financial responsibilities, and regularly discuss your financial situation. Transparency and mutual respect for each other’s financial views are key.

Can Financial Infidelity Ruin a Relationship?

Financial infidelity can significantly damage trust, which is essential for a healthy relationship. However, many couples can recover with open communication, a commitment to change, and, if necessary, professional counseling.

The Bottom Line

Financial infidelity can cause significant harm to relationships if left unchecked. Transparency and communication are critical for maintaining trust and financial peace in a partnership.

If you’ve experienced financial infidelity, it’s important to come clean, establish a shared financial plan, and, if necessary, seek professional guidance to address underlying issues. With commitment and mutual effort, financial infidelity can be resolved and trust can be rebuilt.

Abuse & The Abuser

Have you ever experienced financial infidelity in a relationship and how did it turn out?