Polite society operates on the assumption that we care, at least a little bit, about the people around us. Whether it’s waving someone ahead in traffic or not interrupting a colleague on a video call, behaviors that show basic kindness smooth the path of everyday living. Yet we frequently encounter people who don’t play by these rules. Inconsiderate behavior is all around us.
It’s frustrating, to say the least, when people put themselves ahead of others. In interactions with strangers, rude behavior can put us in a bad mood or even ruin our day. And among friends or family members, inconsiderate actions can gradually poison relationships.
If you’re currently dealing with an inconsiderate person, it probably won’t be the last time. Here’s why some people don’t seem to care how they affect others — and what you can do to protect yourself around them.
What Is Inconsiderate Behavior?
At its roots, the word “inconsiderate” simply means not considering something. In the context of relationships, this means not considering how our actions impact other people. “Inconsiderate behavior is when people do or say things that lack regard for others’ feelings or wishes or even their rights,” says Natalie Dattilo, PhD, a clinical psychologist and instructor at Harvard Medical School in Boston. This might look like leaving a messy house for your roommates, having a loud conversation when someone needs quiet, or belittling a friend’s opinions, says Natalie Jambazian, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sherman Oaks, California.
Both in the real world and in clinical research, the concept of inconsiderateness is often viewed interchangeably with selfishness, rudeness, or incivility, Dr. Dattilo says. The quality can be hard to pinpoint and, for study purposes, tends to be measured by examining specific behaviors. In one study on children, Dattilo points out, “considerateness” versus “inconsiderateness” was defined by whether a subject left choice options for others (in this case, leaving the last cookie on a plate). Other research, such as a study published in 2022, defined selfishness as a desire to benefit the self, disregarding others' desires and prevailing social expectations.
What Makes People Inconsiderate?
Ever been left scratching your head about someone’s rude behavior, wondering why they did something? Understanding the factors that contribute to inconsiderateness might help you approach the situation with curiosity and even compassion.
For many people, a tendency toward selfishness is learned in childhood. “Early experiences with caregivers and peers can definitely shape a person’s beliefs about other people and how much we consider their needs,” Dattilo says. “Some people may have had adults in their life who role-modeled inconsiderate or selfish behavior, and they incorporated those patterns into their life.”
People who grew up with absent or abusive parents may be more likely to engage in inconsiderate behaviors as adults, Jambazian says: “Childhood abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual, can have a lasting impact on the psyche and the emotional development of a person. Survivors of abuse may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, making it challenging to be considerate of others.”
Mental health issues like bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, or autism spectrum disorder can also contribute to an inability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes. When someone (especially a stranger) behaves rudely, it may be due to psychological factors we know nothing about.
And sometimes, Jambazian says, inconsiderateness boils down to simple insecurity. “When individuals feel insecure or have a lack of self-confidence, they may use inconsiderate behaviors as a defense mechanism or as a way to cope with their insecurities,” she says.
How to Deal With People Who Are Inconsiderate, According to Experts
The all-important question remains: How can you deal with inconsiderate people without becoming inconsiderate yourself? The answer may depend on the relationship. Try these expert-approved tactics with both strangers and those close to you.
Shake It Off
Annoying or unsettling as it may be to encounter rudeness, when it comes from someone with no stake in your life, Dattilo says to try and let it slide. “It’s best to just brush off their rudeness, realize it’s not about you, and focus on being the best version of you possible. No need to comment, remark, or reply,” she says. As thousands of road rage videos prove, engaging with a stranger often doesn’t yield a positive outcome.
Communicate Effectively
When inconsiderate behavior comes from a person close to you, the right strategy may look a bit different. “If the person is someone you have a relationship with, start by communicating with them how their behavior makes you feel. For example, ‘When you play loud music while I’m trying to work, I feel frustrated, and it makes me think you don’t care about my needs or my career,’” Dattilo says.
Jambazian recommends approaching the subject with honesty and a calm demeanor. “Do not react — instead respond,” she says. “Try not to raise your voice or get defensive, and respond with a lower tone of voice using I statements. For example, ‘I hear you’ or ‘I feel disrespected when you use those words.’” In some cases, the other person may not have realized how their actions affected you.
Get Curious
Tapping into curiosity can help us approach inconsiderate people with greater understanding and more emotional distance. When someone consistently exhibits selfishness, look for the why behind their actions. “Using empathy is one way to understand someone’s reason for being inconsiderate,” Jambazian says. “Recognizing that their behavior stems from their own insecurities, past experiences, or unmet needs can help you respond rather than react to their behavior.” If it’s appropriate, share with them that you understand where they’re coming from.
This display of compassion could go a long way. According to Jambazian, when people feel understood and not judged, they may be more receptive to self-reflection and positive change. “Approaching it with compassion may motivate them and can help mirror certain behaviors they can work on for themselves,” she says.
Set Some Boundaries
Sometimes the best way to deal with inconsiderate people is to create some space. When someone is consistently selfish, try to set boundaries around how much time you spend with them or how often you speak to them. Communicate these boundaries clearly. “Be firm in your responses and your needs,” Jambazian encourages.
If inconsiderateness persists, it may be time to evaluate whether the relationship is worth continuing. “If the person dismisses your concerns repeatedly or makes no effort to recognize your needs, you may want to consider whether this is the right relationship to be in,” Dattilo says.
Take the High Road
Someone else’s rudeness isn’t worth sacrificing your own integrity. Rather than retaliating when someone is uncivil, try to see it as a reminder to cultivate your own kindness. Your example may prompt them toward better behavior. “Your approach should be focused on maintaining your own well-being while fostering constructive communication and, when possible, encouraging positive change in inconsiderate individuals,” says Jambazian. “Remember, you cannot control the behavior or reactions of others; you only have control over yourself.”
The Takeaway
- Inconsiderate behaviors like selfishness or rudeness can emerge from various sources, including learned patterns from childhood, mental health issues, or simple insecurity.
- Inconsiderate people can make daily interactions stressful, but there are ways to manage their negative impact.
- Communicating effectively and setting clear boundaries are two tactics to try.
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