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Truth & Character Thursdays

Ethical dilemmas

Keeping Secrets: When Loyalty Clashes with Doing What’s Right

Have you ever been in a situation where you have felt like your loyalty to someone clashes with doing what’s right? I’m sure if you are human, you’ve experienced this because people often put us in difficult situations that we don’t know how to navigate.

In fact, I recently had a situation where a friend told me about some of the ways she is parenting her children. She told me that she doesn’t tell many people about it because she doesn’t want their judgement. 

As she told me, I felt a knot in my stomach - like an ethical dilemma that I don’t know what to do with. 

Some of her parenting ideas - in my opinion - are almost abusive. However, they are subtle things that are just on the line.

I feel so conflicted with what the right thing to do is. Should I confront her about it? Should I speak to her husband? Should I consult with someone about it? 

I don’t want to create conflict in our relationship, and yet I don’t want to see her children being harmed. 

Again, I’m not talking about outright abusive behaviour. I’m talking about subtleties that I believe are unhealthy. I also don’t know how much she embellishes when she tells me what is going on…

I feel very stuck and I still am not 100% sure how I will proceed based on the information she has given me.

If there is one thing I know, it’s that I hate being in positions of ethical dilemmas. They consume my mind because it’s so hard to know what the right decision is.

I’ve been in a similar situation before and I acted on my gut…which was to speak up about it. It created so much conflict in the relationship that the relationship fell apart. Nothing good came out of it, except that I felt like my conscience was clear (which I guess is a pretty good thing) because I spoke up for what I felt was right.

What advice would you give to me in this situation? Should I speak up or leave it alone?

Recommended Book

The Limits of Loyalty

Jul 10, 2025
ISBN: 9780511354588

Interesting Fact #1

Definition: Being “loyal” means being unswerving in allegiance.

SOURCE

Interesting Fact #2

In a marriage, loyalty and faithfulness towards your spouse is of special importance in view of the covenant that couples make when they get married and the fact that ideally, marriage is forever (until death do us part).

SOURCE

Interesting Fact #3

Loyalty and faithfulness towards your parents, children and grandchildren also have a special place. This does not mean that one should always condone the values, behaviour and lifestyle of a relative who is wayward and on the wrong path. I believe that it is possible to remain loyal even if there are values, behaviour and lifestyle issues that you cannot go along with – in such a case, you can make your concerns known in a loving and respectful way.

SOURCE

Quote of the day

“I used to advertise my loyalty and I don't believe there is a single person I loved that I didn't eventually betray.” ― Albert Camus

Article of the day - When loyalty trumps honesty: judging loyal lies

In the workplace, in politics, on the softball team – almost anywhere there’s social interaction – people are sometimes deceitful out of loyalty to their group.

How do others judge these loyal lies? Is the dishonesty viewed as bad, because lying is unethical? Or is it seen as good, because loyalty is a virtue?

A Cornell professor and his colleague offer an uncomfortable answer that suggests we should tread lightly when we think we’re doing the right thing.

According to their new research, people who are dishonest out of loyalty feel they are acting ethically and morally. But outsiders disagree, and see those actions as immoral and wrong – unless they themselves lie out of loyalty.

“When loyalties apply – when you’re surrounded by your family, organization or political party – those loyalties influence the way you judge your behavior. You might be doing something harmful to others. But that doesn’t matter to you, because you feel you’re fulfilling a higher value: your loyal duty,” said Angus Hildreth, assistant professor of management and organizations in the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. “Whereas those of us on the outside, because we don’t feel that loyalty is relevant, we say, ‘Look at the dishonesty. Isn’t it obvious this is wrong?’”

The study, “Does Loyalty Trump Honesty? Moral Judgments of Loyalty-driven Deceit,” appeared July 12 in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. Hildreth’s co-author is Cameron Anderson of the University of California, Berkeley.

Hildreth and Anderson were interested in what happens when loyalty clashes with values like honesty and fairness. To find out, they worked with nearly 1,400 study participants over the course of four studies.

The researchers asked a group of online study participants to read about an actor who took part in a study. Some were told he had signed a pledge of loyalty to a group; others were told he signed a pledge to be fair or simply promised to complete the study. Some participants were told the actor had misrepresented his scores on several tasks, which benefited his group; others were told he had reported his scores honestly. The participants then answered questions about whether the actor behaved ethically.

A different group of participants was placed in those exact scenarios in real life and given the chance to lie to benefit their group. Participants were then asked to judge the ethicality of their own behavior.

The researchers found when people were called to be loyal, their moral views of deceit and honesty flipped. Loyal liars viewed their deceit as ethical, even though their actions harmed others. And disloyal truth-tellers viewed their behavior as less ethical, despite acting honestly. Independent judges viewed loyal lies differently, and as less ethical than honesty.

“When we’re in a situation that demands loyalty, all of us are probably unaware that those loyalties are influencing the ways in which we think of our actions,” Hildreth said. “They may prompt us to do things and even think about things in a fundamentally different way than perhaps they would if we were outside of those contexts.”

Question of the day - What is the most difficult ethical dilemma you have faced and what did you do?

Ethical dilemmas

What is the most difficult ethical dilemma you have faced and what did you do?