Mastery Mondays

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” ― C.S. Lewis

There's two types of people in this world.

People who shine.

People who shine are light, and by “light” I mean self-aware, aware of themselves and how their actions, words, and energy impact others. They don’t always make it about them. They pull from the heart instead of the ego. They are authentic and vulnerable. They pull from curiosity instead of judgment. You miss them when they’re not around. They possess a growth mindset and always see the glass as half full. They get up when they fall and see life obstacles as lessons from which to learn and grow.

People who drain.

People who drain have low awareness. They need to be the center of attention. They always make it about them. They're always late, hijack conversations, and love drama and trash-talking. They possess a fixed mindset and see themselves as victims. They suck your energy and drain you by bringing you down with them. Since people who drain have little awareness, they are not aware they have this impact on others. Or they won’t admit it. Instead, they are defensive. So they live in their misery and never change.

So here’s the question. Before we get to who you surround yourself with, first hold the mirror up to yourself.

What type of person are you? Do you shine or drain?

We have all been draining at one point or another. That was all of my twenties and half of my thirties. Take a giant step out of yourself and look at yourself objectively. What would your friends say? The friends who are actually honest with you and call you out on your sh*t.

If you feel that you’re a drainer, it’s okay. What’s important is that you know. Your life’s not going to change unless you know what’s wrong. Low awareness and lack of tools come from upbringing and lots of events in our lives that we didn’t have control over. Ultimately, it’s a reaction to what happened. We are not born with self-awareness. It is a practice that must be honed.

Now, let’s talk about who you surround yourself with and what to do about it.

Maybe you’re surrounded by people who drain you. Or maybe you have one friend who does that. Or maybe you’re in a relationship with someone who used to be light but is nothing but draining now. Whatever situation you’re in, it’s time to shake your tree.

If it’s an entire crew you hang with.

This is going to be a tough one, but it doesn’t mean you have to suddenly stop being friends. It means you need to start making some new friends. Even if it’s just one. And make sure he or she is nothing like your crew. This will help you start to evaluate how you feel around your new friend and how you feel around your current friends. It’s important to notice the difference. You will slowly spend more time where you feel the most valued and uplifted — where you feel the most light.

If it’s one friend.

This is easier. First, make an effort to have a conversation with them. Don’t blame them or tell them how negative or draining they are. Instead, come from a place of care and concern and ask them how everything is because you notice they seem unhappy and you care about them. Then you can slowly layer in how their actions and behaviors affect you and the friendship.

You can’t miss this step. If your friend takes ownership, there is hope. This is good news and they may come around. You may be the catalyst that sets your friend on a new path. If your friend is defensive, they're probably not ready to change or look at themself. Then you have to make the decision to invest less in the friendship, depending on how draining they are. There’s no need to announce that you are going to invest less. Just do it.

Draw boundaries. Spend less time with this friend. They will either make an effort to save the friendship, or they won’t. The friendship will slowly fade or your friend will come around. Remember, history alone isn’t enough to invest in a friendship. People change and grow apart. If you have a negative toxic friend who is always bringing you down, you have to draw boundaries and put your energy into something healthier.

If it’s who you share a bed with.

This one’s the most difficult. It’s the same step as the toxic friend above but you actually have to have a second, third, or maybe fourth conversation if they are not doing anything about their negativity and draining ways. Chances are, there’s already been some amount of disconnect. Maybe even resentment. So you need to address this ASAP.

Most people avoid it and then they’ve drifted too far to return. Sit down with your partner, come from a place of care and concern, then tell them how their actions and energy are impacting you and the relationship. If you see no change or effort to change, you have to have a few more conversations but with more directness each time.

If after many conversations they do nothing, then you have to have an honest conversation with yourself. Is it time to leave the relationship? Did you do everything you could?

So ask yourself who around you is draining you, sucking your energy and taking you hostage, making you feel insecure and less than, not supporting you and your story. What relationships in your life are lopsided? But more importantly, what you are going to do about it?

Personal Development

Who is one person you admire whose circle you would like to join?