Relationships Sundays

“Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk — real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious.” ― Jack Kerouac

Key points

• It’s important for children to get reliable information about sex from their parents.
• Early, age-appropriate conversations about sex and bodies can make later conversations easier.
• Young children might want to know about bodies and where babies come from.
• Explain things at a level children can understand and make sure they have the facts.
• Children with disability might need extra support. You can adapt conversations to suit their preferences and needs.

Talking about sex: what parents need to know

Early, age-appropriate conversations about sex, sexuality and bodies are good for children’s development.

Age-appropriate conversations when your child is young can make later conversations easier. And these early conversations lay the groundwork for children to make healthier choices about sex when they’re older.

The key early messages are that your child can come to you for open, honest and reliable information, and that they shouldn’t feel scared or embarrassed to ask you about sex and sexuality.

And the good news is that talking about these topics isn’t a one-off conversation that you have to get exactly right. It’s a conversation that continues and evolves as your child grows up.

Sexuality isn’t just about sex. It’s also about your child’s identity and the way your child feels about their developing body. And it’s how your child understands and expresses feelings of intimacy, attraction and affection for others, and how your child develops and maintains respectful relationships.

Starting the conversation with kids: 3 steps for parents

1. Acknowledge your child’s curiosity and find out what they know

For example, ‘Where do you think babies come from?’ or ‘What have you heard about where babies come from?’

2. Correct misinformation and give facts

For example, ‘You’re almost right. Babies don’t grow in their mummy’s tummy. They grow in a special place inside the body, called the uterus’.

3. Use the opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings

For example, ‘Some people really want to have a baby when they’re ready. Other people aren’t too sure about having a baby at all’.

How parents can talk about sex, sexuality and bodies: tips for all ages

Explain things at your child’s level

Explain things at a level your child can understand. For example, a 6-year old won’t want a long explanation of ovulation, although they might be fascinated to know very small eggs (or ova) can make a baby.

It’s best to keep your explanation brief, factual and positive. If you can do this, your child will feel that they can come back to you whenever they want more information.

Use correct names for body parts

It’s best to use the correct names when you’re talking about body parts – for example, penis, scrotum, testicles, vulva, vagina. This helps to send the message that talking about these parts of our bodies is healthy and OK. And if your child knows the correct names for body parts, your child will be able to communicate clearly about their body with you or people like doctors if they need to.

You can be inclusive of people of all genders by talking about ‘some’ or ‘most’ people. For example, ‘Some people have penises, and some people have vulvas’.

Say ‘I don’t know’ if you need to

Your child doesn’t need you to be an expert – your child just needs to know that they can ask you anything.

If you don’t know what to say, tell your child you’re glad they asked, that you don’t know the answer, and that you’ll look for some information and get back to them. And then make sure you do get back to your child. Or you could look for the answer together.

This builds trust and sends the message that you’ll be honest with your child.

Get all parents involved

In families with more than one parent, it’s good for all parents to get involved in discussions about sex. When all parents are involved, children learn that it’s OK for everyone to talk about this topic. This can help children to feel comfortable talking about their bodies, take responsibility for sexual feelings, and communicate in intimate relationships when they’re older.

Be prepared to start a conversation

Some children don’t ask many questions, so you might need to start a conversation. It’s a good idea to think about what to say beforehand and then pick a good time to talk. For example, if someone is talking about pregnancy on TV, you could say, ‘They were talking about pregnancy on the TV earlier. It got me wondering if you know what that is?’

Some children find it easier to talk without eye contact, so you could plan to talk while you and your child are travelling in the car.

Prepare yourself

You might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about sexuality or using words like ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’ when talking about bodies. That’s OK.

It’s a good idea to prepare yourself by thinking about what you’re comfortable with and building on that. For example, if you’re OK with talking about bottoms but not breasts, try using the word ‘bottom’ in conversation to start with. Or you could practise with another adult.

It’s important for children to know the difference between touching that’s OK and touching that’s not OK. Make sure your child knows that they can say ‘No!’ to any touching that they don’t want and that it’s always OK to tell a trusted adult about touch that’s not OK. You can start talking about sexual abuse and talking about consent when your child is young.

0-2 years: learning about bodies

You can use everyday moments to help your child learn about bodies. For example, bath time or while you’re helping your child get dressed are good times to introduce the names of body parts.

These can also be good times to send messages about healthy, natural behaviour. For example, if your child touches their genitals while you’re changing their nappy, that’s OK. When they’re older, you can talk about public and private behaviour.

2-3 years: introducing body parts

Most children aged 2-3 years are very curious about their own and other children’s bodies. They’ll also notice that different bodies have different body parts. Your child might ask you why or say, ‘What’s that?’ You can teach your child that every body part has a name and its own ‘job’ to do. For example, ‘This is your vulva’ or ‘Your penis is where wee comes out’.

Looking at books with your child can help. You can use the pictures to help your child learn the names for body parts and understand that bodies are different. You could try books like Hair in funny places by Babette Cole or Everyone’s got a bottom by Tess Rowley.

4-5 years: tricky questions, simple answers

Children aged 4-5 years often ask where babies come from. They can understand that a baby grows in a uterus, and that to make a baby you need a sperm (like a tiny seed) and an ovum (like a tiny egg).

If your child asks ‘Where do I come from?’, you could ask, ‘What do you think?’ This helps you work out what your child is really asking and how much your child understands. You could give a simple explanation like ‘Babies grow in a place inside the body called the uterus’.

If you’re pregnant your child might ask, ‘Where does the baby come out?’ Give a simple but accurate answer like ‘The baby is growing in my uterus. When the baby is finished growing, it might come out through the birth canal, which is called the vagina. Or it might come out of a cut that the doctors will make on my tummy’.

6-8 years: sharing more information

By 6 years old, many children are interested in how babies are made and might ask questions.

If your child asks, ‘How did the baby get into your uterus?’, ask your child what they think. This helps you understand what your child already knows. Then you can explain simply, giving as much information as you’re comfortable with. For example, ‘To make a baby, a sperm and an egg join together.’

You could explain how this happens when 2 people have intercourse and how a vagina and penis fit together. It’s also good to explain that sexual intercourse is something that grown-ups do when they both want to and that it’s not for children.

You might also like to say that sometimes babies enter families in different ways, like IVF, adoption, foster care or grandparent care.

You don’t have to wait for your child to ask you a question. You could start a conversation by asking, ‘Have you ever wondered how you were born and where you came from?’ Or you might see someone who’s pregnant and say to your child, ‘They have a baby growing inside them. Do you know how the baby got there?’

You could also read a book together about where babies come from, like Mummy laid an egg by Babette Cole.

It’s a good idea to start talking to your child about puberty and how bodies change in puberty well before your child starts puberty. This could be when your child is around 6-8 years old.

If your child comes across sexting or pornography, stay calm. This can be an opportunity to talk with your child about what is and isn’t OK for children to see. And talking about these issues is one of the best ways to keep your child safe online and promote respectful online behaviour.

Children with disability: what to say and how to talk

Children with disability experience the same sexual development and curiosity about bodies, relationships and sexual concepts as all children. This means they have the same need for information as their peers.

If your child has disability, think about how you can adapt conversations to suit your child’s communication preferences and cognitive, emotional and developmental needs.

These ideas can help:

• Talk often, and keep conversations short and focused.
• Give your child time to absorb and understand what you’ve talked about.
• Regularly check in with your child to make sure they’ve understood.
• Repeat information as often as you need to.
• Use fun ways to explain complex subjects. For example, you could sing a song together, like ‘My body, my rules’ by Body Safety Songs.
• Get support from your child’s GP, occupational therapist or speech pathologist, or another professional who works with your child.

Sexual Preferences

What is one simple way you have successfully integrated conversations about sexuality into your everyday family life?